jueves, 1 de febrero de 2018

imaginary orders,nobility titles and clubs...D.D.

The Devil´s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce is a constant source of inspiration for its cynical and sardonic wit. As a teenager we set up a restricted membership club called:"The snub-nosed bitter revolutionaries", which soon fizzled out into oblivion.As Groucho Marx pointed out: "I would never belong to a club or be part of an organisation which had me as one of its members...
Let´s enumerate some of the real,royal and fictitious clubs as mentioned in A.Bierce´s Devil´s Dictionary:


Order of the Knights of Adam 

Visionaries of Delectable Bosch 

The Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes 

The league of Holy Humbug 

The Golden Phalanx of Phalangers 

The Genteel society of expurgated Hoodlums 

The Mystic Alliance of Gorgeous Regalians

 Knights and Ladies of the yellow dog 

The Oriental Order of Sons of the West 

The Blatherhood of INSUFFERABLE stuff 

Warriors of the long bow 

Guardians of the great Horn Spoon 

The Band of Brutes 

The Impenitent Order of Wife-beaters 

The Sublime Legion of  Flamboyant Conspicuants 

Worshippers at the Electroplated Shrine 

Shining Inaccessibles 

Fee-Faw-Fummers of the Inimitable Grip 

Janissaries of the Broad-Blown Peacock 

Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple 

The Grand Cabal of ABLE_BODIED SEDENTARIANS 

Associated Deities of the Butter Trade 

The Garden of Galoots 

The Affectionate Fraternity of men SIMILARLY WARTED 

The Flashing Astonishers

 Ladies of Horror

 Cooperative association for breaking into the Spotlight 

Dukes of Eden 

Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith 

Knights-Champion of the Domestic Dog 

The Holy Gregarians  

The Resolute Optimists

 The Ancient Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs 

Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity 

 Dukes Guardian of the Mystic Cesspool 

The Society for the Prevention of Prevalence  

Kings of Drink 

Polite Federation of Gents -Consequential 

The Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll

 Uniformed rank of lousy cats 

Monarchs of Worth and Hunger 

Sons of the South Star 

Prelates of the Tub-and Sword 

Sons and Daughters of Hope and Fear  

Mystery Society of Ignorant of the Unknowable

Royal Society for the Protection of Words 

National Society of Submissive Ignorant and Brown nosers

 Royal Society for the Positive Appraisal of Ugly People 

The Junk-fed lovers of Utter Rubbish. 

The Spiritual Association of Money Worshippers 

The Original Plagiarists´Society 

THE ARELUM Brotherhood 

The Royal Society of Chemtrail lovers 

The Aznarian Society of believers in Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Gastronomic Society of Lovers of Haxe Schwein/Ceviche/Quinoa 

Ethical Society of Honest PP members and sympathisers 

Epicurean Society of siesta and fiesta addicts

 Hedonistic Club of weekend lovers 

Psychic Association of Victims of Excruciating Physical Pain 

Skeptical believers 

Fantasies of Escape Senior Group 

Most Honourable Society of Compulsory Liars 

Mystical Association of the souls of the dead in Purgatory 

Toilet lovers united 

Bad art enthusiasts 

Lovers of the Hair Museum 

Mint lovers 

Most prestigous Order of Teachers and Pig castrators 

Most egregious Order of Beekeeping Teachers

 Most divine Order of Masturbating Priests 

Most Sublime Order of Boring Couch Potatoes 

The Oriental Order of Papiroflexic Otakus 

 The Special Order of Shiatsu and Reiki practitioners 

The Distinguished order of Music Maestros 

The most ancient order of Toxic Maniac Principals 

The most learned order of guilty-ridden headmasters 

The semi-autonomous order of envious caretakers

 The authoritative order of Neurotic manipulators 

The powerful order of Mediocre Psychopaths 

The emeritus Association of Gossip Professors 

The most visual order of internet ADDICTS 

The therapeutic Community of Emotional Vampires 

The Emphatic order of Compulsive Eaters 

The most reverent Society of Satan Worshippers

 Royal Victorian Order of lovers of the Walking-Stick/Pure Sheer Shit... 

The Most Holy order of the Saintly Prepuce 

The Most Honourable Order of Holy Underpants 

The Most Innocent Order of Wheeler-Dealers 

The Royal Fraternity of Compulsive Liars 

The Historical Brotherhood of Exiled Presidents 

The Patriotic Order of Ruined Plutocrats 

The Meaningless Dukedom of Indifferent Patriots 

The Mendacious Association of Democratic Impostors

 The marvellous Group of Sincere Hypocrites 

The most Insane Association of Philanthropic Inquisitors 

The Humanitarian Society of Lady Killers 

The Genuine Association  of Humorous Homeopathists 

The Abject Royally Promiscuous Clique of Emeritus Kings 

Companions of Disgrace 

Most organised order of Shirkers, Avoiders and Lounge Lizards


(TRUE ASSOCIATIONS below: Find out more about each one of them) 

THE BENEVOLENT & PROTECTIVE ORDER OF ELKS

The Obedient Wives´Club 

 SKOPTSY 

SHRINERS INTERNATIONAL(Freemasons) 

PHI BETA KAPPA

 THE ORDER of THE OCCULT HAND 

THE BLACK HAND 

BELIZEAN GROVE 

THE EJECTION TIE CLUB 

THE MILE HIGH CLUB 

THE ALFALFA CLUB 

THE BEEFSTEAK CLUB 

DISNEY´S CLUB 33 

THE BILDERBERG CLUB 

The GIGA Society 

THE WOODCOCK Club 

MENSA 

THE BOHEMIAN Club

 THE 7 Society 

The Order of Chacronea 

THE KNIGHTS of the APOCALYPSE 

The CALVES´Head Club

 THE ARIOI 

THE ORDER OF THE PEACOCK ANGEL 

THE LEOPARD SOCIETY 

THE BALD KNOBBERS  

THE WORSHIPPERS OF DIVINE ORGASM

THE UTTAR PRADESH ASSOCIATION of DEAD PEOPLE

Make up your own Association,Order or Club and give it an original simple or compound name.

Imaginary nobility titles:
 I am referred to as the Earl of Sexi Firmium & Narixa; 
You could be appointed/annointed Duke of Ocurris &Ostippo; 
He could be the Count of Acinipo & Claviclum;
She could well be the Marchioness of Detunda & Illiberis;
It is the King of the Macroprotodon Cucullatus/Vipera Latasti
We are M.B.E.;O.B.E.Hallucinating members of the Human Race...

Give yourself a nobility title.

REALITY or FICTION?
Did these characters really exist?:

The Count of Montecristo

Count Dracula
The Marquis of Sade
 The Red Baron 
Duke of Earl 
King Kong 
The Queen Mother 
The Maharani of Kapurtala
The Knights at the Round Table
Archduke of Ausria 
The Countess in Hong Kong
Emperor Julius Caesar 
 Lord Byron 
Princess Casamassima 
Queen of the Underground
The Monarch Butterfly

Why did some pop groups have royalty in their names?:

QUEEN
PRINCE 

KING CRIMSON




lunes, 1 de enero de 2018

JOINERS/Run-on words

We kick off the new year in challenging mode.HANG OVER COME
This most to the point example will help you understand that you just have to
find a word that can be tacked on to the end of the first word and the start of the second
TO FORM TWO NEW WORDS:(The number at the end reflects the number of letters of the word we are looking for ):


BLOW --- LINE  (3)

CORK----- DRIVER(5) 

WAR ---- WELL (4)

 UT ____ LY (4) 

RAIN ____ TIE(3)

PHONE ____GIRL(4)

 HERB ___ POT (3)

SWORD ----FINGER(4)

CROSS ----PLAY(4) 

PART ----OUT(4)

GINGER --- HOUSE(3) 

JUMBO___ LAG(3)

BULL´S ___ SORE(3)

 MINCE ____ PIE(4)

 WAY____ BURNS(4)

POP ----FLAKES(4)

 LAP ---OF THE POPS(3)

 LAUGHING_____ MARKET(5)

 STOCK ------TOWN(6)

NUT ------- JACK(7)

 ROCK ----- SYSTEM(4)

 QUICK ----BUG (4) 

THUNDER---- TRAP (4) 

CART ----- PLAY (5)

 EYE ---- BEAT (4) 

PUSH -----LIFT (5) 

SHOPPING -------BUS(7) 

CRYSTAL -----OUT (5)

 WALL ------ POWER (6) 

 TEA ___HOLE (3)

HARD ---- STAGE (4)

PAPER---- TO BASICS(4)

 BED ----- UP (5) 

HAND ----LINK (4)

 HEAD ---- WARD (4)

WAR ----LIGHT(4)

 LIFE ------ POTATO (6) 

MAN ----- HOUSE (5) 

WISDOM ----- ACHE (5)

 RAILWAY -------MASTER(7) 

SEARCH -----HOUSE(5)

 PRIM ----MARY(4) 

TENDER ----HOLD (4) 

SADDLE --- PIPE (3) 

GOOD ----- JAR (5)

 LAND ----PAGE(4) 

WORK ---- KEEPER (4) 

POST ____BOARD (4) 

SUNDAY ____ MAN (4)

 MOUTH _____MEAL (5)

 TEST ____TICKET(4) 

SAND _____BOY (5) 

AFTER ____EVENTS(4)

 WORK ____ASSISTANT(4)

SAFETY _____BLADE(5) 

SAFETY ___ WORK (3)

MONEY ___OFFICE(3) 

ROAD or RUN ___OUT(3) 

TOOTH ____AXE (4) 

SUN ____OUT (4) 

UP ______CASE (6) 

OVER ____OFF (4)

BLACK _____SHEARER (5) 

LADY ____AND THE BEES(4)

 LADY _____ WHALE(6)

MASTER ____SET (4) 

WATER____ CRASH(4)

 COUNTRY ---POWER(3)

 COUNTRY ____ EFFECT(4) 

WATER ______FED(6)

BREAK --- BREAK (3)(entirely different meanings) 



N.B..:Make up a couple more run-on words of your own.You´ll see how easy it is.
         Combine the first and the third word and try to make sense of an apparently absurd                      combination. Create another possible nonsensical word by starting with the third...    
         The following three words usually go together  . The head of the noun phrase starts from the last element backwards(in Spanish ,at least).What´s the missing word IN BETWEEN?


BACK-____ DRIVER (S) 

REAR-_____MIRROR (V) 

OLD ___PENSIONER (A) 

TIGHT-____WALKER (R) 

BLUE-____BOY (E) 

FLY ___ NIGHT(B) 

BALL- _____PEN (P)

GOOD ___NOTHING(F) 

FOUR _____ DRIVE(W) 

 JACK __  ___ TRADES (O) (A) 

CUT _____ RAZOR (T)

BREAK ____SPEED (N) 

LITTLE ____ DRESS(B)

 PRETTY ______ THING(L)

 HOT _____BOTTLE(W)

 THREE ____ MEN(W) 

GOOD ___ TIMES(O) 

HIGH _____TRAIN(S)

viernes, 1 de diciembre de 2017

Translating and Interpreting the noisy sounds my students make

Some concepts should be made clear from the outset as we are surrounded by a sea of noise:

MISOPHONIA is a strong dislike or hatred of specific sounds(like the scratching of your fingernails against the board, scratching ring binders,sirens, screams, raps?).
HYPERACUSIS is just extreme sound sensitivity and difficulty in tolerating everyday sounds. 
Which sounds stress you? Ex: Funfair, street cafe, crying babies, shouts, wails, barking,cars, construction/ door slamming?
PHONOPHOBIA or SONOPHOBIA (Ligyrophobia) is the fear of voices,loud sounds and noises
Check classroom sound scape,/effects
It´s easy to identify environmental sounds such as birds, coughs, sneezes, knocking,tapping on the wall,desks,floor,etc.. 

 Some people seriously believe that being alive means making noise. Teenagers find it very hard to be quiet, calm and obedient so we face excessively noisy classrooms, which might seriously affect our mental health as we may be left with no voice at all when we return home. Remember the tonguetwister: A noisy noise annoys an oyster....
 Apart from the anger or emotional distress that too much noise can create, a noisy classroom does not mean that learning does not take place.

However, in the classroom besides the usual background noise, chit-chat chatter, page turning,clearing your throat, cheering  and bantering sounds we have the following typical onomatopoeics which create the classroom melody:


EOEOEOEOEEOEOEOEOE: (Feel happy, ready for a football match instead of a lesson) (Mexican wave optional).

HEY; HEY;HEY EH, EH,EH: (I´m seeking your attention I´m just an attention seeker) 

SH; SH;SH;SH;sh, sh, sh:(The teacher is going to speak)

KNOCK; KNOCK;TAP,TAP :(I just want to increase the overall noise levels) 

PAMPAMPAM--- -- -- -- --WE WILL ROCK YOU ( In more ways than one )(Queen style)(Party mood)

YI HA YI HA YI HA :(Am I disrupting?)

HA;HA;HA.HE,HE,HE; HO, HO,HO, HU,HU, HU;HI HI HI:(Laughter therapy)

HEIGH HO,HEIGH HO:(More than 7 dwarves)

GUA; GUA; GUA; GUA ;GUA (Not crying just wanting to work! WORK; WORK;WORK!!

AHORA; NOW; NOW ;NOW; (Something important is going to take place)

Quack,quack;Cluck,cluck;Baa-baa;Moo-moo;Oink-oink...(Classroom animals!)

MEOW,MEOW; BOW-WOW,BOW-WOW (the sound of human cats and dogs)

UNEXPECTEDLY COMPLETE SILENCE (ensuing laughter)

SEE;SEE;SEE,SEE;SEE,SEE,sea,sea,sea (Yes, of course)

CHE;CHE;CHE;CHE,che,che,che:(Calling your attention in Valencia or just a revolutionary)

IF YOU COULD CHOOSE/ YOU COULD CHOOSE/ COULD CHOOSE/CHU-CU-CHÚ(Gossip)

PPP-PPP-PPP: Just a reminder that you should not be disrespectful or stack your school items on me.

NEENO_NEENO_NEENO_NEENO:  (Ambulance siren  emergency students)

NO_NO_NONO_NO_NO_NONO: (Students´refusal/rehab denial)

JACKETY_JACK;LACK-A-LACK.: Lack of chatter/banter

BANG/BING/BONG/BUNG: Just wanted to check whether you are awake.

ASHH-SHAHH-ZZZZZZZZZZ GR: (I´m falling asleep)

HELLOI´MTRYINGTOSPEAK (No one pays any attention)

                                                      (Don´t complain)

ÁPPY BIRTHDAY TO YA( One of the students´anniversaries)

CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-TRAP TRAP (Applause in a festive mood)

LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN(I wish they were SILENT,SILENT,SILENT)

TICK,TACK,TOCK,TUCK (It´s time to finish our lesson)


martes, 31 de octubre de 2017

The Gospel of Vaguenesses

THE GOSPEL of VAGUENESSES:
VITAL VAGUENESSES  MAY BE VALID for EVERYBODY: This can be textbook material for pseudo-psychologists, new age health gurus, clairvoyants, quack doctors, soothsayers, horoscope writers, mediums, religious brainwashers, bible thumpers, touch healers and  psychics of all sorts so common in our society.
In fact, all the statements below can be applied to nearly everyone I know because of their fuzziness, lack of preciseness and indefiniteness so common in self-help books. Remember that people are both gullible and naïve and beware of sweeping generalizations like this one as we can believe nearly everything from religion to science-fiction;  both of them are very similar when you come to think of it.
Mine is a CRUSADE against simple inherited thoughts, worn-out cliches and "idees reÇues"...
Beware also of that great thought paralysis  which proverbs automatically create, they numb and anesthetize your  creative mind.
"To be properly and perfectly vague, you have to be vague about something" Henry James

Statements of  Vaguenesses and Generalizations:
You love…….Music /Sports;/Money/ (Who doesn´t?)
You have……..what it takes/too much to do in your life/to bring your special gift to the world/ deep respect for life/a photo of a loved one/ to live life to the full/ a special person who means a lot to you/a particular date which means much to you/ to be careful/a tendency to daydream/ to find new and deeper meanings in your life/the energy to help others/ (secret)hopes and fears/ nobility/ self-repressed tendencies/ complex emotions/ limitless imagination/ dreams and ambitions / joy of living/ obsessions and phobias/ hidden talents/ a great future in front of you/ a fascinating past behind/
You are………special/unique/peculiar/a warm and caring person/ sensitive to other people/ critical of yourself/uncomfortable at social events / a good listener/ too busy/ too tired/ changing/loyal / warmhearted/ highly sensitive/unpredictable/practical/ curious/ nice/
Difficult to get to know/ a survival of adversities/ responsible/spontaneous/active/ rational and communicative/compassionate and tolerant/ an incurable romantic/ artistic and perceptive/ changeable and adaptable/ brave/ generous/ loyal/ full of energy and vitality/ assertive and enthusiastic/ enterprising and decided/ looking for stability/ patient/ proud/ a perfectionist even/ stressed out/ capricious/ creative/ a dreamer/ a doer/a family person

You prefer…… fresh food to processed; to be safe than sorry; not to waste time and money/ humour/justice
You can…..swing between being overwhelmed by your emotions or trying rigidly to control them/seem unrealistic/be subjected to a vast RANGE OF MOODS/ learn a lot about yourself/ be patient/ courageous
Be distracted/ get bored easily/ be charming/ be emotionally vulnerable/ be shy at times/
You consider yourself…in good shape (for your age); an active person
You enjoy …exercise/ your work/helping people/good art/learning/ being with friends/ your family/ your mobile phone/ integrity
You avoid ….potentially dangerous places/ touching toilet seats in public places/ medication/ queuing/
You believe….that rest and sunshine can be as important as medicine/that life is sacred/in your own goodness and inner strength/ goodness and truth will triumph over evil/joy comes from the simplest things in life/
You feel… overwhelmed by the beauty of Nature/
You do…the best you can/anything to avoid being unhappy/
Alcohol/Smoking is not an essential part of your life
There are people that you just cannot and will not forgive/ important dates in your life/
You want…..more/to be free/ entertainment
With patience and calm understanding will come.
Appearances are deceptive
No pain, no gain
Time is a great healer
All you need is Love/Hope/understanding/patience/..
Conceive/Believe/Achieve 
The best/worst is yet to come
It could have been worse
Eat better,Think better,Dream big
Live simply:Less is More
Love generously: Care deeply
Speak kindly
Love is never lost; if not reciprocated
t will flow back and soften and purify your heart
The recent death of someone in your family affected you deeply.

LET´S COMBAT PREJUDICE &
·         Self-suggestion, so-called positive or neg vibrations:

·         Andalusians are lazy not as hardworking as Castillians.
      Andalusians are funny
       Catalans are mean
       Germans are squre-headed
        French are dirty
        Black people are smelly
       Men are better drivers than women
A     All political parties/ politicians are the same
·           Parents try to make life easy/difficult for their children.
·         Women drivers are worse than men
·         Every salesman lies to make more money on a sale.
·         Homework can be easy/hard. 
·         The United States is colder than Europe.
      Americans are ignorant
·         Americans are fatter than Europeans
·         Women want to… have large families/ marry a rich man.
·         Men are all afraid of commitment.
·         The best way to make new friends is to just start talking to people.
·         Nobody really believes that the Earth is flat.
·         Most politicians are greedy and manipulative.
·         Catalans think Spain robs them of their money.
·         Cats are nicer than dogs/ are more independent than dogs
·         Dogs are smarter than cats.
·         Most people find church very boring.
·         Everyone likes a little bit of excitement and variety in their life.
·         Only a fool would believe what commercials say.
·         Learning to drive isn’t difficult.
·         College is the only way a person can be properly educated.
·         Everyone who goes to college is an elitist. 
·         Rich people are greedy.
·         Poor people are lazy. 
·         Men don’t enjoy window shopping.
·         Everyone is a cynic these days.
·         No one could complete a marathon without the appropriate training.
·         It’s impossible for children to appreciate art.
·         Children should be seen and not heard.
·         If you believe you can do it, you will always succeed.
·         All success is brought about by good luck. 
·         Gentlemen with this kind of upbringing are very trustworthy.
·         No one is born evil. 
·         Everybody loves a trip to the theme park over the summer.
·         Police officers are corrupt.
·         Police officers are heroes. 
·         Girls don’t enjoy playing with cars the way boys do.
·         Boys don't enjoy playing with dolls the way girls do. 
·         The only way to learn another language is to visit the country where it is spoken.
·         It’s never a good idea to drink coffee after noontime.
·         To be an author, you need to have a large vocabulary.
·         Only dead fish go with the flow.
·         All criminals have troubled backgrounds.
·         All criminals can be rehabilitated. 
·         Nobody truly thinks the world is going to end.
·         Everyone thrives on drama. 
·         Photographers can’t earn very much money in this economy.
·         A long commute to work makes a person much less productive.
·         Cooking isn’t difficult; all you need are the right ingredients.
·         Anyone can learn to cook if they only try. 
·         Everyone loves a delivery of flowers and a box of chocolates.
·         All women want men to be romantic. 
·         Your family will always be there for you. 
·         Friends are people who will never let you down no matter what.
·         Men all want the same thing – money, power,sex and fame.
·         Football players are arrogant, cocky people.
·         Nerdy kids are all going to grow up to be rich. 
·         Pretty people are always stuck up. 
·         Overweight people always overeat. 
·         The customer is always right. 
        Civil servants are lazy
·         Blondes are dumb
      Good poets are gay
      Life, Education,Technology is a mystery
     The fault is with the system
     God always forgives
     What matters in a relationship is INSIDE ,not OUTSIDE beauty
     The new rch lack taste
     Life is a vale of tears
     Bullfighting is cruel/art
     This boy is clever,he´s just lazy..
......................................

Continue by writing three more sweeping statements:

domingo, 1 de octubre de 2017

LONG LIVE "UGLY" words!!!

LONG LIVE   so-called “UGLY” WORDS
REMEMBER WHEN WE COLLECTED THE 100 MOST BEAUTIFUL WORDS IN ENGLISH?
Some of those words voted by my students as the most beautiful sounding words included:
HOUSEWIFE
CAULIFLOWER
WASHING-MACHINE
SUNFLOWER
BUTTERFLY
GALAXY
ETERNITY
ELIXIR
FANTASTIC
GLAMOUR
TALISMAN
SWEETHEART….
Well, now it is the turn of the most disgusting, the ugliest, the most  repulsive and cacophonic words in English.
Subjectivity rules supreme. An attempt has been made to categorize them into semantic fields:
A) ALL 4-letter words to describe bodily functions ,generally considered TABOO: S…;S….; P…:P….; P...P; F…;F…;

B) Liquid dampness:
 MOIST
 OINTMENT
 UNCTUOUS
 PUS
 SNOT,
 PHLEGM,
 MUCUS
CURDLE
 SMEGMA,…

C) Physical actions or conditions:
 PUKE
REGURGITATE
VOMIT
BELCH
BUNION
GESTATIONAL
BLOATED
SWOLLEN
DWARF
GNOME
BORBORIGM
BOMBARDED
TESTOSTERONE
TESTICLES

D) Negative adjectives:

FILTHIEST
RANCID
SLIMEY
STUBBORN
BASTARD
GRUMPIEST
REPUGNANT
WORTHLESS
CORRUPT
FLIMSY
FETID


E) Onomatopoeic dissonance:
HONK
HORN
CHUNK
CHURNING
TREACHERY
SLAUGHTER
MOOCH/SMOOCH
CATACLYSM/ CATASPROPHE
SCAB
BAILOUTISTAN
SHENANIGANS
HOOLIGANS
HARANGUE
EXECUTIONER

F) Some ugly names and surnames:
ZURUTUZA  (Real Sociedad soccer player) MUGURUZA (tennis player)
GUARROMAN  CHICHICASTENANGO


ADD SOME MORE TO THE LISTS ABOVE

G) Which vowel or consonant sounds  are repeated in the words you dislike?

H) Create the name for a brand-new car, textbook, company.

I) WHICH LEXEME sounds "better" LOVE or AMOR?

J) Which language uses more onomatopoeia :Spanish or English?

K) Which Christian name can give you goose flesh or a shudder just to mention it, as the poet said?

l) Your least favourite sound: car alarms; chalk on the blackboard; crying, engines,etc..

M) Your least favourite word: Cool, cute, cruel(ty), haggis, NO

N) Give your original name to  :a new pop group. a new book , a new film, a new dish,...

Ñ) COÑO!"#@¬&=Bloody hell WTF! Damn it!

jueves, 1 de junio de 2017

Nanofiction,Microfictions,Mini short stories

 

We are dealing with creative short story writing in which 10% is shown and the other 90% is to be conjured up by the reader. The stories have to be very short, sweet and, if possible, with hidden meanings and unexpected endings. Most of the mini stories below have been written by my own students and I feel a debt of gratitude to the likes of Ernest Hemingway(For sale: baby shoes,never worn);Augusto Monterroso ( When he/she/it woke up, the dinosaur was still there) Nathanael Hawthorne, Jorge Luis Borges and Neko Vidal´s Artes Libres inspiration(The crickets were taxed for their serenade and the glowworms refused to pay their electricity bills). These, obviously, encourage creativity in the classroom and promote crosscultural understanding in EFL learning.

 While I was writing this entry, my school colleague , Javier Arón Fernández Ascacíbar, a teacher of Spanish Language and Literature, asked me to read a book of very short stories, called "Patchwork fiction: Stories written by a hairy pen", written in collaboration with Gonzalo Molina. Some of their  nanostories have been rendered in English below as JAFA(Javier Arón Fernández Ascacíbar) :


TODAY IS MONDAY.

JUST A SHORT STORY CALLED SILENCE.

A FAMILY SECRET: BEFORE I WAS BORN MY MUM HAD SERVED 5 YEARS IN PRISON. 

THE MEANING OF DEATH: THE DEATH OF ALL YOUR MEANINGS. 

THE SCHOOL OF LIFE FAILED US ALL. 

ARSENE & JILL DEFENDED SHORT-TERM LOVE AND LIVED HAPPILY FOR 60 YEARS SEPARATELY. 

JULIA´S PET MADE HER FEEL SPECIAL AND SHE MISSED THE RELATIONSHIP SHE WAS IN.

 ANDREW & ANDREA OPENED UP A CAN OF WORMS.SURPRISE:NOTHING IN IT BUT THIS MINUTE.

THE LOCAL CORPORATION GAVE THAT KID A MEDAL AFTER YEARS SPENT EATING AT BUFFET LUNCHES. 

ONCE UPON A TIME A PRINCE ASKED A BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS: WILL YOU MARRY ME? THE PRINCESS SAID "NO" AND THE PRINCE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. 

WHILE BERENICE WAS YAWNING PAUL GOT A SURPRISE BJ. 

WHY DID HELL HAVE TO CLOSE DOWN? 

RODERICK ATE LORENA´S HEART WITH ONION AND MUSTARD. 

IGNATIUS SUFFERED A WHOLE LIFE OF CHRONIC PAIN,MISUNDERSTANDING AND INTOLERANCE. 

THAT MUSTARD SEED WANTED DESPERATELY,  ANXIOUSLY TO BECOME A TREE.

 A DREAM WANTED OBSESSIVELY TO BECOME REALITY. 

CECIL DREAMT HIS DREAMS WERE NOT HIS WHILE HE OVERCAME HIS SLEEPLESSNESS. 

AN ANT DREAMED OF BECOMING AN ANTEATER TO EAT ITS NEIGHBOURS. 

 A STONE WANTED TO BECOME WATER AND UNDERSTOOD THAT IT´S JUST A QUESTION OF WAITING

TYPICAL: GIANTS WITH INFERIORITY COMPLEX AND DWARVES WITH GREATNESS COMPLEX,megalomania.

LITTLE DETAILS COLONISE MY THOUGHTS.

 BORN TO SHOP AND DIED WHILE SHOPPING.

 WANTED: HIGH WIRE ACTS OF IMAGINATION.

 Y.O.L.O. but IF YOU SPEND HALF YOUR LIFE ASLEEP AND THE OTHER SMOKING WEED HOW DID YOU SURVIVE?

GOD ABORTED AND HAD ME: TIM. 

THE LOSSES IN OUR PERSONAL LIVES:NOTHING SERIOUS JUST A SLOW BURN. 

YOUR BRAIN TUMOUR DISAPPEARED, SO DID YOU. 

WHEN CRABS DREAM THEY´D LIKE TO BE SEAGULLS.

 I´M ON A DIET: I COMPARE PEOPLE´S WORDS TO THEIR ACTIONS.

LIQUID FRIENDSHIP: JASON KILLED HIS ROOMMATE AND LEFT A BLOODY MESS AROUND. 

FISH MOURNED THE DEATH OF A RIVERSIDE TREE.

 TWO MEN IN THE SAME TOILET: LUST? DRUGS? TERRORISTS? :

2 PLUMBERS LEFT SWEATING. 

FRANK WAS BEHEADED BECAUSE OF A SPLITTING HEADACHE and THE EXECUTIONER MOVED FROM HEALTHY FEELINGS TO TOXIC NATIONALISM. 

ON THE VERGE OF COMMITTING SUICIDE SHE WAS UNTIL SHE BECAME PREGNANT: A DEVASTATING TUMOUR. 

I WANTED THAT APPLE, ATE IT; NO APPLE LEFT (Pablo Cereto Martin) 

THAT WOULD BE AWFUL BUT WHAT REALLY WORRIED ME WAS THAT IT WAS GOING TO LAST FOREVER.(GLORIA M.G.)

 I STILL MAKE COFFEE FOR ONE. 

LIFE´S SHIT, REAL HELL:VIDEO GAMES & CHOCOLATE

fixed a toilet,get paid crap(from the New Yorker)

Inside suburban mom beats urban heart (NY)

You wouldn't  know looking at me (NY)

Love NY; Hate myself(equally).(NY)

Not quite what I was planning(NY)

Hope is stronger than dope(Obama)

God called;mother listened; I responded.

Born in Nerja.Then nothing happened (NY)

Everyone who loved me is dead(NY)

Birth,childhood, adolescence, adolescence, adolescence..

Mountain guide, only got lost once.(NY)

Gonzalo shook the coconut palm so violently that he was killed by a falling coconut.(Ascacíbar)

The snail overcame its shyness, got rid of its shell and became an outspoken slug. (JAFA  ")

Terror had disfigured his face. Treror had disguferd his fcea. Roret gufidsred hfi case.(  "  ). 

As soon as I saw she had my name tattoed on her right armpit, I left her: that was the only part of her skin I deeply loved. ( JAFA. " ) 

 One day before getting married Victoria discovered something about her boyfriend that left her both frozen and speechless for years to come.(J.A.F.A. ") 

I did not cry when I lost my two ears: I just left them on the floor (J.A.F.A.   ")

 Andrew was an ugly man and that turned him into an uglier person.(JAFA " ) 

By staring fixedly at her dog, Inés learned to bark( JAFA  ") 

Tobacco kills, Road kills, Drugs kill, Life kills, Time kills, God is a killer. Why shouldn´t I? (Jafa)

Patchwork fiction is not a frustrated novel(JAFA ") 

My mum gave birth to me and I was the gynecologist assisting her (JAFA ")

They discussed which was worse: physical or verbal violence. The following day they couldn´t practise either.(J.A.F.A.) 

Armando had fallen head over heels with Noelia. He had been unable to forget a single square centimetre of her face. She married Aitor, a friend of Armando ´s. When years later they met, Armando realised there were at least two Noelias: one inside his mind and the other outside...(JAFA)

He both wanted to kiss me and lie to me at the same time: I ignored one action but the other I could not forgive. (JAFA)

I  am an ephimeral  poem with some  mission
I´ve dared enter the realm of patchwork fiction
Since I have not been written in prose
I´ll have to return to where I arose (J.A.F.A.)

Some people should never have been born. I did deserve to have been born. However,my ex- would -be mum would not let me. (J.A.F.A.)

 He showed me my 325 defects, my 5078 mistakes, my 41 recent insults  and my darkest side and even worse....(J.A.F.A.) 

"Good morning", Félix greeted seconds before being slapped in the face by his next-door neighbour..(J.A.F.A.)

"Good afternoon" a mutual greeting in unison. On my way back, an hour later, he was hanging from a cork oak tree. I phoned the coroner.

JOHN  & JOANNE´S MARRIAGE WAS A PERFECT UNION OF HAPPINESS AND MARITAL BLISS. HOWEVER, SHE WONDERED WHAT KIND OF SECRET HE KEPT HIDDEN AWAY IN THE LOCKED DRAWER. ONE DAY, CURIOSITY OVERCAME HER. PRISED OPEN, SHE FOUND....NOTHING. "I JUST NEEDED A SPACE OF MY OWN" HE SAID. 

YOLANDA THOUGHT SHE WAS IRRESISTIBLE AND SHE FELT AN IRRESISTIBLE DESIRE TO BE IRRESISTIBLY DESIRED. 

A NICE NORMAL FAMILY, YOU KNOW: MY FOURTH WIFE, HER DAUGHTERS FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE,, MY STEPSON, HIS DOG, MY STEPSISTER AND THE TWO CHILDREN OF HER LATEST PARTNER..

 AFTER DIVORCING HUSBAND NUMBER SEVEN, PAQUI REALISED SHE HAD BEEN MARRIED TO CHRONICALLY ILL-TEMPERED PEOPLE.

 IRENE RIDICULED ME IN PUBLIC AND ATTACKED MY EGO WITH A MEAT AXE. 

MATILDA DID NOT WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW SEVERAL THINGS ABOUT HER....

VIOLETA HAD TURNED LAUTARO-SO PEOPLE SAID- UPSIDE DOWN, INSIDE OUT AND BACK TO FRONT.

BREAST,WATER, COCOA, COKE,ORANGEADE,BEER. WINE,GIN,WHISKY, DRIP. DRIP, DRIP.

IN SEPTEMBER 2018 THE SWEETS DISPPEARED:NEVER LOOKED BACK.

SHY AT FIRST, LOUDER WHEN I ' M KNOWN.

AN ENDLESS PARTY:YOU 'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I 'M THINKING.

IN THE BEGINNING...EVERYTHING ENDED.

MAD SCIENTIST 'S WIDOW PROMISES YOU HAPPINESS.

THE TEACHER DEMANDED TO SEE MY PHONE AND I REFUSED TO HAND IT OVER.

I HAVEN 'T GIVEN UP ON HER YET: SPRING IS IN MY HEAD.

3 THINGS I NEVER TOLD YOU:

 1) I WASN 'T YOUR PERFECT DAUGHTER;

 2)  I WASN 'T EVEN YOUR DAUGHTER 

3)..................................................

CARMEN WAS HAVING HER THIRD BABY, A WATER BIRTH AND THE BABY DROWNED.

YOU HAVE CREATED MANY MONSTERS

BEATRIX MET A handsome BOY WITH THE SENSITIVITY OF A RHINO.

SOMEONE OCCUPIES MY THOUGHTS 24/7.....GOD?

JOHN THREW ACRONYMS INTO CONVERSATIONS:wywitm...WYSIWYG...wanker...

I 'M LOOKING FOR A  HIGH MAINTENANCE METROSEXUAL MALE: A COMPLEX CREATURE FULL OF WONDERFUL CONTRADICTIONS.

WE ALMOST GOT ARRESTED LAST NIGHT.

WE ARE LIVING LONGER TO PROLONG PAIN, HUMILIATION,...

A SUPERMODEL MET YET ANOTHER BOYFRIEND IN ANOTHER EXOTIC LOCATION  THROUGH A DRUG-INDUCED HAZE. 

VALERIA LIVED A FULL LIFE SHE WOULD NOT REMEMBER WITH A BUILD-UP, A CLIMAX AND A RESOLUTION. (David C. H.)

MY BEST FRIENDS: ALCOHOL, CAFFEINE AND TOBACCO...

PERVERT SCIENCE TEACHER IN A DESINTEGRATING MARRIAGE SEEKS DERANGED HOUSEMISTRESS.

I'VE CREATED A FAKE ME: I 'VE JUST BEEN FACEBOOKED BY SOME IDIOTS.

ANNE INVITED ME INTO HER FLAT AND I ACCEPTED.

FUN IN THE SUN: A WANKER BANKER BOYFRIEND.

SOPHIE REALISED THEN THAT HER MOMENT HAD PASSED.

MARIO & MARÍA WERE MUCH OLDER BUT NOT WISER.

THE BOY BECAME A MAN: IGNORANT?,AMBITIOUS?

WOMEN WHO HATE OTHER WOMEN SPREAD INFERTILITY RUMOURS.

OTHELLO CHECKED IN HER UNDERWEAR DRAWER FOR MISSING ITEMS.

EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT HIM I WANT TO VOMIT

I NEVER KNEW THE  SORDID SECRETS LUCY WAS HIDING.

CONSIDER YOURSELF A CLICHE.

ELIZABETH WALKED  MILES IN HIS SHOES  AND FELT IT RIGHT TO CRITICISE HIM.

EVELYN BURIED HER FEELINGS TOWARDS HIM

I WAS 99% SURE IT WAS HIM

VANESSA'S EMAILING ME: HOPELESSLY DEVOTED.... 

LOLI´S AFFAIRS LASTED LONGER THAN A LONG WEEKEND. 

HOPING FOR A HAPPY OUTCOME; THE GRIM REAPER.

 MY LIFE IS LESS PAINFUL THAN YOURS BUT NOT ENTIRELY PAINLESS 

CHARLOTTE FELT STRANGELY CALM ABOUT THE WHOLE THING

LAST WEEK THE BIOLOGIST ASKED ME IF I WAS A MAN  NOW I ´M A WOMAN.

 MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS KNEW I HAD DIED even though I WAS A GLASS HALF FULL KIND OF PERSON.

SARAH ´S  DAD WAS ONE IN TEN MILLION   

MELANY PLANNED METICULOUSLY TO SEVER TIES WITH CIVILIZATION AND DISAPPEARED INTO THE WILDERNESS.

 WE CAN´T BELIEVE WE ARE 100 YRS OLD  

PATIENTS REFUSED AUTOPSY

WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT 

TERRIBLE DIVORCE: TRUTH AND BEAUTY SEPARATED

NEOPHILIAC WILL MARRY NECROPHILIAC  

XAVIER COULD FIND NO TITLE FOR HIS SPONTANEOUS STORY.

 MOLLY  SAID "NO"TO HER INNER "YES". 

STILL WALKING A TGHTROPE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH.

THERE WE SHARED MANY "FIRSTS": A FIRST KISS, A FIRST SMOKE,A FIRST...

THAT MORNING AGATHA GOT DRESSED, WENT QUIETLY OUT AND DISPPEARED WITHOUT TRACE.

EMERALD WAS A VERY PRETTY GIRL WHO SEEMED TO HAVE NO FRIENDS BUT...

 YOU COULD NOT WAIT FOR ANOTHER DAY. 

THE DISTANCE BETWEEN WHAT THEY KNEW ABOUT ME AND THE SECRETS I KEPT INSIDE WAS INFINITE. 

HECTOR  MADE MANY MISTAKES: 

SPEAK; TALK, CHAT, TWITTER,INSTAGRAM,FACEBOOK, YT,WHATSAPP, SPOTIFY, SNAPCHAT, NETFLIX, TINDER, LINKEDIN...PRESENT-DAY SLAVERY. 

"YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER" KEVIN PROTESTED AND ADDED:"MY FATHER IS A WELL-KNOWN BULLFIGHTER"...

 EARNEST CONFUSED SILENT TEARS WITH TEARS OF SILENCE.

I  FELT AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE, AN ADRENALINE RUSH. 
 NINE MONTHS LATER SHE PHONED ME FROM HOSPITAL....
TRIPLETS!!!MY WORLD WAS CRUMBLING DOWN I WANTED TO DIE THEN AND THERE...

I HAD TO ASK A SINGLE QUESTION BUT I COULDN´T.
I JUST LISTENED ATTENTIVELY AND FOUND THE ANSWER
TO MY SECRET QUESTION.                    m.c.g.c./M.C.G.C. 

WANTED IMAGINARY ENEMIES; ABSTAIN REAL ONES