The gentle "art" of MAKING RUDE REMARKS

James Abbott McNeill Whistler´s classical book  The Gentle Art of Making Enemies has been the source of inspiration for this unit in which you will be asked to interpret what the offender is really saying. Teenagers may relish coarse, violent and vulgar  language, most of which could be regarded as taboo.In spite of the fact that there are many books and dictionaries published on insults, our politically correct times demand for more sophistication and "thought filters" when interacting in society.Remember to be kind...Courtesy costs nothing...
We are surrounded by negativity; therefore arm youselves with optimism. Feel free to laugh out loud
Observe,Do not absorb.  Never respond. Remember the famous quote from Wayne W. Dyer, a best-selling author,: "How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours"

ARE YOU AN IDIOT?

(I am an idiot but now I feel less alone)

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

(The only thing that will ever make me happy is your perpetual unhappiness)

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

 

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT DOING SOMETHING 

FOR THE COMMUNITY,...LIKE EMIGRATING?

 

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU CAN WALK AND CHEW GUM AT THE SAME TIME?

 

YOUR DIET IS STILL NOT WORKING THEN?

 

CAN I DROP YOU OFF SOMEWHERE? 

PERHAPS A VERY TALL TOWER BLOCK?

 

HOW CAN I FORGET YOU IF YOU WON´T LEAVE ME ALONE?

 

I AM BUSY NOW... CAN I IGNORE YOU SOME OTHER TIME?

DO YOU NEED TO DRESS UP FOR CARNIVAL? (YOU ARE ALREADY DRESSED UP..)

HAS YOUR FACE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT? DID YOU HAVE SURGICAL PROBLEMS?

OH, MY TREASURE, WHY DON´T YOU FIND SOMEONE TO BURY YOU?

 

I NEVER FORGET A FACE...

BUT IN YOUR CASE I´LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION

AND I´LL CERTAINLY REMEMBER BOTH OF YOURS

BUT YOUR BREATH SEEMS FAMILIAR.

 

I HOPE YOU NEVER FEEL THE WAY YOU LOOK

I ALWAYS THINK THE BEST OF PEOPLE,

WHICH IS WHY I CONSIDER YOU TO BE AN IDIOT.

I HOPE I RUN INTO YOU AGAIN SOMETIME,

PREFERABLY WHILE I´M DRIVING.

 

MAKE SOMEBODY HAPPY. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

 

IF YOU KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT

WE COULD IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF THIS CONVERSATION. 

IF THERE´S SOMETHING I CAN´T STAND

IT´S PEOPLE TALKING WHEN I´M TRYING TO INTERRUPT.

IF IT WEREN´T FOR YOUR PERSONALITY

YOU WOULD BE A REAL CHARMER.

IF I COULD AFFORD THE WOOD,

I´D BOARD  YOUR MOUTH UP.

IF I PUT MY ARM AROUND YOU

I´D PROBABLY SLAP MYSELF IN THE FACE(you´re so thin)

IF I CALLED YOU A MONKEY I´D INSULT THE APES

IF IGNORANCE WERE GOLD YOU´D BE A GOLD MINE

 

THE MORE I THINK OF YOU THE LESS I THINK OF YOU.

HE´S SO SHORT THAT WHEN IT RAINS

HE´S ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW

HE´S SO UGLY THAT HIS MOTHER TURNED HIS BACK ON HIM INSTEAD

OF BREASTFEEDING HIM.

HE HAD AN UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT AT BIRTH:

HE WAS BORN .

THEY GOT THEIR GOOD LOOKS FROM THEIR FATHER

HE´S A PLASTIC SURGEON.

YOU HAVE AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX,

AND IT´S FULLY JUSTIFIED

YOU´D MAKE A PRETTY PICTURE-

I´D LOVE TO HANG YOU.

ANYONE WHO EVER TOLD YOU TO BE YOURSELF

COULDN´T HAVE GIVEN YOU WORSE ADVICE.

YOU MUST HAVE LOADS OF MONEY:

YOU SPEND NOTHING ON CLOTHES/...

YOU ARE  NOT AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAY: YOU´RE MUCH WORSE

YOU ARE AS UGLY AS A REFRIGERATOR BACK

YOU ARE AS USELESS AS A KEYBOARD WITHOUT AN INTRO KEY

YOU REMIND ME OF A BUNGALOW: NOTHING UPSTAIRS

YOU LOOK DRESSED TO KILL:

I UNDERSTAND YOU COOK THE SAME WAY

THERE´S NO NEED FOR YOU TO GO ON HOLIDAY-:

YOU´RE ALWAYS ON AN EGO TRIP

YOU SHOULD SLEEP FACE DOWN TO BE KIND TO BURGLARS

I CAN TELL YOU´RE LYING: YOUR LIPS ARE MOVING.

IT´S BEEN NICE TALKING TO YOU:

MY MIND NEEDED A REST

IT´S NICE TO SEE BEING SUCCESSFUL HASN´T GONE TO YOUR HEAD:

JUST YOUR MOUTH.

IT´LL BE HARD GETTING ALONG WITHOUT YOU,

BUT LET ME GIVE IT A GO.

THERE ARE SILLY DAYS AND SILLY PEOPLE EVERY DAY

I´M TORN WITH MUCH TEACHING:HAVING NAUGHT TO IMPART.

(See similes)

(From 52 remarks and insults by that company called if)

Our students seemed to enjoy exchanging funny threats all the way, I have recorded nearly one hundred of them. Some are so hyperbolic and exaggerated and others so trite that we can hardly bring our lips to utter them:
1. I'm gonna rip your small intestine out your mouth, and rip your large intestine out your butt, and use you as a skipping rope.

2. I'm going to grill your piles, and serve them up as jumbo hot dogs to your mum and dad.

3. I will smear your insides with tuna, hang a fishing hook down your throat, and hook out your organs one by one. 
4. I´m gonna kick you in the teeth so hard that they´ll become cornflakes../you´re going to cry blood tears/ your neck is going to turn around twenty times/ your beard is going to disappear/you´re going to have fewer teeth than a hen/..

5. I´m gonna hang you up like a dried octopus
(Add your funny threat) 

                                  AN ABECEDARIAN INSULT

 

Sir, you are an

APOGENOUS ARROGANT ASOCIAL ARBITRARY ABSURD

BOVARISTIC BRAINLESS BLUFF

CLUMSY CORPORATE CODGER

DEADLY, DEVASTATING AND DANGEROUS DASYPYGAL

EPICENE EMPTY ET HOC GENUS OMNE

FAINTHEARTED, FAKE FEEBLE-MINDED FELON

GALOOT, GOATISH, GREASY, GLUTTONOUS GROAK

HOMUNCULUS HALF-WIT

IGNOTUM PER IGNOTIUS IGNATIUS PER" IGNECIUS"

JACKANAPES

KYPHOTIC

LOUTISH LOW

MEPHITIC MOROSE MORON

NASTY, NOCENT, NOCUOUS, NOXIOUS

OBNOXIOUS, OTIOSE, OLEAGINOUS, OBSESSIVE

PIMPLY, PAPULIFEROUS PILGARLIC PUSILLANIMOUS

QUISQUOUS QUISQUILIAN

REBARBATIVE RECREMENT REPELLENT RIGID

SAPONACEOUS STABLE SMELLING STINKING SATRAP

TRASHY, TRAUMATISED, THICK HEADED TROLL

UNGUINOUS, USTULATED, USELESS, UNACCEPTABLE

VECORDIUS VARLET VICIOUS

WOODEN HEADED WHIPPERSNAPPER, WICKED WANKER

XYLOCEPHALOUS

YEMELESS YOUNKER

ZANY ZOOPHYTE

 

(Inspiration came from The Superior Person´s book of Words by Peter Bowler

The above could be addressed to people such as D. Trump or the latest principal I had to suffer at school in the last ten years before retirement).

 Try to create an abecedarian of  PRAISE: Sir, you are an ADMIRABLE, AMIABLE…….

 Try to make up a NEUTRAL abecedarian: Sir, you are an ADVENTUROUS ADVERSARY….